(Yowza... I'm a little speechless right now, but more on that later. Promise. And yes, you'll know when we get there.)
My original posting intent tonight was to address one of the dumbest inventions ever introduced by humankind:
The Martini Glass.
With its ultra-wide brim, often smaller-circumferenced base, delicately razor-thin stem, brilliant crystalline sparkle, and top-heavy design, the martini glass almost literally screams, "Heya, You Hot, Juicy Babe! Here I am... your very happy little accident, just a-waitin' to happen!!!" After all, who doesn't have a story to tell of a splashed or smashed martini? It is simultaneously the ultimate accessory ~ and bane ~ of every Fabulous Girl in Happy Party Mode.
Call me a killjoy, but combine a slinky silk dress cut with a long sexy slit to flash some thigh, a pair of very kinky fuck-me stilettos, harlot-scarlet lips, a bloodstream singing merrily with vodka, and an overly-full cosmo prescribed by an eager young bartender with his eyes full of your cleavage, and you're potentially looking at a very soggy end to your almost-perfect night. Granted, the martini glass does hold a very cool cachet in popular adult culture and does make for a beautifully-presented beverage. For a penultimately blissful evening from start to finish, however, practicality dictates a more pragmatic design... but in no way less sexy or playful. Form must still follow function, but not by far.
"But wait," you may hear yourself demanding. "Is such a wondrous thing possible?" Well, my fine, penguin-suited and saucily-befrocked friends, might I propose the following finds for your next cocktail or New Year's soirée?
Am I effing kidding you? Well, much can be said about the rock'n'roll sexiness of sipping a martini out of the communal party trough through a straw embellished with a Galaga-spaceship-shaped ornament while crashing eyes with your future Beloved over said drinking vessel, but... maybe it isn't for everyone. (After all, there is always the resident lush who'll probably puke his/her guts out into the trough partway through the night, and let's not forget about those pesky little germs...)
Let's try again, then, shall we? Moving on, we have:
I must confess to being quite partial to the adorable shotglasses; they definitely hit the playful bell with their popsicle-like internal silhouettes, connoting a rather "naughty drinking schoolgirl" effect. And the inversed martini glass seems to pay tribute to the bad-ass, pantaloon-wearing Katherine Hepburn within most of our deep, dark hearts.
You like, you like?
But before you go, I have one last, lovely little present for you! As I began to mention earlier on, in searching for images to accompany this "Dumbest Invention Ever" post, I discovered these inexplicable treasures. At this point, words are truly... elusive.
Yes, my dear friends... This. Is. Meat.
Martini with Dried Pork.
Martini with Ground Pork.
Martini with Sausage.
Martini with Spam.
Questions? Comments? Anyone? Anyone?
(above photo credits: Martini glasses, courtesy of Sgt. Gooch. Feeding Trough, courtesy of Teemore Engineering Equipment, N. Ireland.)
1) A party isn't a party until someone pukes in the spodie.
ReplyDelete2) Manhattans (my drink of choice) really need to divorce themselves from the martini glass. Sure, it's elegant and all but hello--have you ever tried to actually have a 3rd Manhattan in a martini glass without either tipping the glass over, knocking the stem off the side of the table, or having the contents miss your mouth completely? No, you haven't, madame. No, you haven't.
Which is why I'll drink my Manhattans the way God intended lushes everywhere to drink Manhattans: In a sippy cup.
2) I find find it HIGHLY IMPROBABLE that one would be able to find the so-called "perfect pork martini" and exclude bacon. Amateurs.
This is one of the PLETHORII of reasons why I adores you so.
ReplyDeleteSPODIE!!!
And yes... Three years ago, Boy's friends at work (yes, the one and very same he's back at now, with the same said friends working there still) had a going away party for us at the Park Pub before we moved back to Vancouver. Within a ten minute window ~ *max* ~ someone bumped me from behind (I think it was a very misguided "back hug") so I splashed the entire contents of my Cosmo onto the floor, miraculously missing the circle of us who were yapping. Emtpy martini glass remained in my hand.
At that point, we were forced to reckon how furiously drunk we must've been at that point, so we all decided to grab a booth and sit down. Immediately, one of the guys at the table tried to hit on British Booty and lurched across the top a bit, knocking over BB's Cosmo and splashing all three of us girls on the other side (British Booty, Duchess Josephine, and myself) with the entire contents. The glass smashed.
Then, as we were gingerly cleaning up *that* mess, a server came over with a rag and accidentally knocked over yet another martini glass we'd perched on the side so's we could clean ourselves and the table off. *That* martini glass smashed all over the floor.
All three glasses, by the way, were full at the time of their Floor'n'Body Baptisms.
Three, in less than ten minutes... I tells ya.
Oh! And of course, I second the vote for bacon!!! (At first, I thought the dried pork in the photo *was* bacon... but I do give them points for trying to get all ethnic-like and world beat-ish. Damn hippies.)
ReplyDelete