"Oy, Canada..."

Dearest Canada:

Once upon a time, I was a proud daughter of your independent social democratic nationhood; of your pristine lakes and soaring, ice-capped mountains; of the many nationalities who fill your borders who are referred to as part of your "rich cultural Mosaic," as opposed to the American "Melting Pot" (which expects immigrants to conform, or be ostracized); of your generally well-run public school systems which offer several full immersion elementary schools in different languages (for free!); of your reputation for breeding nice people who'd actually apologize for getting *their* feet stepped on; of your universal medicare; of your kick-ass but still cheaper (than American, anyway) universities; of the respect people generally pay to authority figures because authority figures tend to be somewhat laidback and treat us just fine; of how, in some parts of the country, marijuana use (though the smell does make me want to puke) is legal and serves as the yang to alcohol's yin; of your wry, dry, and self-deprecating sense of humour...

Heck, back when I was a poor, full-time student, I didn't even mind the high taxes you whopped off my pathetic bookstore income because... I was being taken care of. I didn't mind chipping in for a city-run needle-exchange program, or efforts to educate women at local shelters so they could get away from working the streets to feed their kids without selling their bodies, risking the contraction of venereal diseases, or getting beaten and murdered by their johns, pimps, or our local champion pig-farmer.

Growing up, I felt like I was a part of something gentle and big and wonderful... and just so vastly lovely. No matter how far I'd been away, and whatever a fabulous adventure I probably had, coming home each time ~ whether by air, land, or sea ~ always filled me with an overwhelming sense of relief, calm, and security; it always felt like I was sliding into a crystalline pool of familiar, sweet, soft water.

For the majority of the past ten years, I have lived in the States as a proud "Resident Alien," despite the fact that this status has prevented me from working here (for pay), going to grad school (without paying triple tuition), signing petitions legally (tee hee hee), and most importantly, *voting*.

Nevertheless, I have been enjoying this: living among many wonderful Americans, but not being too much a part of the American system. Indeed, I've been relieved to be absolved of any responsibility for the current fooking mess of a government here, yet terribly sad/annoyed I can't do much about it except read and feel nauseous and angry. Thus, I must confess ~ with a little guilt ~ to my intrinsic enjoyment of holding that wonderful "out" card, which essentially makes me feel like we can dodge the draft ~ so to speak~ anytime we feel it necessary. If things here start looking a tad hairier than optimal, we can always hie our sweet little beaver-asses back to our beloved hinterland of Canuckistan.

But now... Oh, dearest Canada, how *could* you?!? You cocked it all up most royally and voted Stephen Harper and his bastard Conservative Party in, back in the disastrous year of '06. Fine, things weren't quite perky as all get-out with former budget surplus Finance Minister-cum-Prime Minister Paul Martin and his wiggy Whiggy government, but to be swayed by a party headed by a feller who would one day pull Canada out of the Kyoto Protocol, campaign against gay marriage as the main reason to get elected (seriously?), get exceedingly cozy with Bush-boy, and wrestle control over governmental information to the media in unprecedented measures never seen before in the Great White North? Like a selfish, abusive husband, didn't you see the signs when he was out wooing you with his overly made-up mask, using tactics so popular south of the border to polarize you against each other in a frenzied, emotionally-driven religious fervour? Didn't you do your research, rather than get swept up in his tales?

Well, my beloved Nation, in case you've forgotten, we have here a Conservative oilman. Yes, your Golden Boy has maintained close ties with the Albertan oil industry from his time working in the field, and funding for his campaigns are still hazy. But no one's talking about that. Oh... wait!

Oil Companies Funding Friends of Science, Tim Ball takes the brunt
Jim Hoggan, 12 Aug 06
A Globe and Mail feature article by Charles Montgomery today has delivered what should be a death blow for the climate change denial and anti-Kyoto attack group, the Friends of Science. The G&M says that FOS has taken undisclosed sums from Alberta oil and gas interests. The money was funneled through the Calgary Foundation, to the University of Calgary and on to the FOS though something called the “Science Education Fund.” All this appears to be orchestrated by Stephen Harper’s long-time political confidante and fishing buddy, U. Calgary Prof Dr. Barry Cooper. It seems the FOS has taken a page right out of the US climate change attack group’s playbook: funnel money through foundations and third party groups to “wipe the oil” off the dollars they receive. This comes as no surprise considering the FOS has been linked to some of the most notorious oil money-backed scientists in the US, including Drs. S. Fred Singer, Sallie Baliunas, Sherwood Idso, Willie Soon, Robert C. Balling and Pat Michaels.

So. Busted.

And from the fingers of dear Steph-O himself:

"We're gearing up now for the biggest struggle our party has faced. I'm talking about the 'Battle of Kyoto' — our campaign to block the job-killing, economy-destroying Kyoto accord. Kyoto is essentially a socialist scheme to suck money out of wealth-producing nations."

(Ummm... I thought we *were* kinda socialist. That's what made us... "special.")

So yes, dear Canada, you have been fooled, just like your much-maligned neighbours to the south. Your children now have very little substance on which to stand in their arrogance of being "different," because we are now part of a family who voted in someone who polarizes communities based on their choices that don't happen to hurt others (and no, I'm not talking about families who still practice female circumcision, whose business Mr. Harper is staying well out of because he doesn't want to offend THOSE communities); who decides it's not a good idea to educate children on safe sex; who supported the March, 2003 invasion into Iraq; who decides, if possible, to toss off any measures to protect the environment; who is de-socializing utilities and medical care and looking to privatize wherever possible; who has clamped down on free speech and now requires all government officials to run all out-going information and comments through his office before disseminating it to the public; who has made even more budget cuts than ever to the glue that holds your widely-outspread children together, that gives us an identity to which even our beloved (increasingly south-bound) hockey teams can't even hold a candle: The CBC.

So here I am ~ reelingly and sickeningly ~ somewhat embarrassed to be associated with you, my dear Maple Leaf, because so many of the vital factors that have made me so proud to be Canadian ~ such as respect for others, respect for the environment, and less of the "me for myself" and more of the "me for the common good" mentality ~ has been compromised... or is now at risk. And I'm sad to say that countless Canadians are also gazing at the ground in silent shame.

But fear not, my Canada, and hold your head high in hope. Sound the trumpets with a heart-soaring blast, for here is my heralded battle cry: Now is the time to regroup, and consider in gravitas why Steph-O just dissolved Parliament and is pushing for an earlier election in order to precede the American one ~ rather than after, as is currently the case. If, indeed, he is so petrified of what the upcoming American elections might bring if Obama is elected ~ ie a potential upswing in American morale, economy, social affairs, etc. ~ and how that might affect us Canadians, why don't we simply ask, "Why?" Is he afraid that the potentially wonderful changes in the American climate might make Canadians rethink their own priorities? Maybe we should show a little initiative and vote for the party which is more interested in taking care of *us*, and not personal interests of the party members themselves.

If Steph-O is afraid of losing his grip on power by taking such measures, that means he has just cause; here's your chance to break free of this toxic relationship! Take it!!! Sure, maybe you're a tad leery of voting back in the Liberals, this time headed by the unpopular former Environment Minister who named his dog, "Kyoto." But this time, try to let your heads, and not your emotions, check the box. Please, please, please don't get swept up with the smokescreen non-issues the separate parties'll push in your faces as the reasons why they should be elected/re-elected. While it's going to be the usual case of selecting which embodies the lesser evil, there are other proverbial fish in the political sea than your current chump.

And I know this pains and amuses you, Dearheart, but honestly, since when is being called "Canuckistan" a bad thing... especially in light of who's been doing the calling?

standing on guard for Thee,
your glowing heart.

"The Rant"